Watering dead plants

I've really struggled with trying to figure out how to start this post in a sophisticated and classy way.  

But I think I'm just going to let this one be complete word vomit (I swear they all connect somehow).

For several several years, after many losses in friendships and relationships, I have had one consistent thought...

What is it about me that can't make people stay?

I changed drastically in the one year of college that I experienced.  I learned the importance of listening and observing rather than vocalizing every screaming thought I had like I did in high school.  And while that is a silver lining to the deep dark hole that I crawled into that year, the care that has been embedded into every single living and dying cell I have has been a steady increase since the day I was born and heightened even more because of this so called "college experience."

I care too much, I know.  I have a terrible habit of adapting myself to the toxicities of other people.  And I let a lot of people take advantage of me.

Why?

Because my biggest fear is ending up alone.  Irrational right? 

But I am so tired of people pleasing and I am drained from trying to make everyone in my life happy when I myself am not happy. 

This isn't a post to bash on the wrong doings that I've been through.

This is a post to shine light on the realization that maybe just maybe the altruistic side of myself needs to take a long hibernated nap. 

My facebook newsfeed has been congested of quotes.  Some cheesy, some completely uncorrelated, and some that just hit different. 

r.m. drake has recently been a favorite writer of mine and this quote, well, just hit different...

"I know how hard it it to move on, especially, when it is all you've known.  I know pain means you care and I know caring means holding on.  I know the cycle, that is, you forgive to find yourself back where you started.  I know you think you're weak, that giving chances makes you vulnerable.  I know some nights you find yourself reminiscing of the good times-before your sun was devoured by sadness. i know it's hard to let go when you know they are no good to you.  I know something inside of you keeps telling you to hold on but don't feel too bad for feeling the way you do - for wanting more - a way out.  so moving on shouldn't be such a terrible thing and letting go of people who don't care shouldn't be hard. so move on, but do it for yourself and no one else.  do it because it is the right thing to do. do it to heal. do it to prove to yourself that you're worth saving.  do it because you should love yourself more than anyone else and lastly, do it because deep down inside of you, you know that you deserve more."

My father has always told me that I am stronger than I give myself credit for and I didn't really give that much thought until recently. 

I am strong. 

Strong enough to get through heart breaks, strong enough to accept what I, as a deeply caring person deserve, and certainly strong enough to know now the difference between a star and a black hole. 

Continually letting myself be in situations where I am not appreciated nor valued isn't loyalty, it's self destruction. 

"If I cannot be cherished by you, 

 I will not become a burden, 

 I will become a lost treasure.

 

 If I cannot be a blessing to you, 

 I will not become a curse,

 I will become absent."

    -Pierre Alex Jeanty

The truth is, I have realized that it's not me.  While I know that I'm not perfect and I am full of mistakes.  I also know that I am not the problem.  I look back on a lot of the endings I have faced and know that more often than not I have given a lot of those stories my all.  I have fought hard for things not worth it and have cried over people not deserving so much, too much. 

I'm tired of allowing myself to give off sparks and light and warmth until I'm freezing and dim. 

I'm done watering dead plants.