It takes 111-135 mile per hour winds to move and lift a car, and for the last week I've felt nothing but like my small blue Pontiac in a whirling rainstorm.
Unable to control my thoughts, feelings, or the outcomes of this "weather we've been having."
I'm not great at thinking rationally in times of stress and hurt (who really is?)
However, I do believe that I've gotten a lot better at not letting the tornado of toxic thoughts go on for too long.
Yesterday I decided to drag myself out of bed and do something for myself, by myself.
I've never enjoyed being alone, to be more specific, I find myself to be uncomfortable without the company of another. After all that's when the toxic thoughts come for me.
But for the past two days that's almost all it's been...all of the "what ifs" and myself locked in my four-walled bedroom.
That is until I'd grown bored with tiring myself with the words in my head and decided to try to entertain myself with some new, less hurtful ones.
Books.
I drove myself to target and goodwill and bought three new books:
1. Maybe you should talk to someone - By: Lori Gottlieb
2. Calm the %*@# down - By: Sarah Knight
3. milk and honey - By: Rupi Kaur (how basic, I know.)
Thank god for self checkout lines because I'm sure the book selection paired with my swollen, red eyes also came with a post-it plastered to my forehead reading "HELP" to customers and cashiers.
I got through milk and honey quite quickly as it is a poetry book and I was starving for some reassurance and relation.
This poem really stuck out to me:
"most importantly love
like it's the only thing you know how
at the end of the day all this
means nothing
this page
where you're sitting
your degree
your job
the money
nothing even matters
except love and human connection
who you loved
and how deeply you loved them
how you touched the people around you
and how much you gave them."
I started the first book I listed, Maybe you should talk to someone, and was not expecting to already feel heard and seen at the quote on the first page.
"Nothing is more desirable than to be released from an affliction, but nothing is more frightening than to be divested of a crutch." -James Baldwin
As I sit alone in this garden down the street where my father's heart surgery is currently taking place, I feel calm and at peace.
That's not to say that the sounds of the river ten feet in front of me won't quickly be replaced by intrusive thoughts in the next hour or even 5 minutes.
But for now I am okay and for that, I am thankful.
I will leave you with one last quote and my takeaway that is here on the wall in front of me at the second coffee shop I've been to today.
"This bright, new day...complete with 24 hours of opportunities, choices, and attitudes. A perfectly matched set of 1440 minutes. This unique gift, this one day, cannot be exchanged, replaced or refunded. Handle with care. MAKE THE MOST OF IT."
Life is tough, it's really tough.
But letting yourself live your life caught in past and present storms will prevent you from great opportunities, amazing people, and beautiful relationships.
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