I've really struggled with trying to figure out how to start this post in a sophisticated and classy way. But I think I'm just going to let this one be complete word vomit (I swear they all connect somehow). For several several years, after many losses in friendships and relationships, I have had one consistent thought... What is it about me that can't make people stay? I changed drastically in the one year of college that I experienced. I learned the importance of listening and observing rather than vocalizing every screaming thought I had like I did in high school. And while that is a silver lining to the deep dark hole that I crawled into that year, the care that has been embedded into every single living and dying cell I have has been a steady increase since the day I was born and heightened even more because of this so called "college experience." I care too much, I know. I have a terrible habit of adapting myself to the toxicities of other people. And
It takes 111-135 mile per hour winds to move and lift a car, and for the last week I've felt nothing but like my small blue Pontiac in a whirling rainstorm. Unable to control my thoughts, feelings, or the outcomes of this "weather we've been having." I'm not great at thinking rationally in times of stress and hurt (who really is?) However, I do believe that I've gotten a lot better at not letting the tornado of toxic thoughts go on for too long. Yesterday I decided to drag myself out of bed and do something for myself, by myself. I've never enjoyed being alone, to be more specific, I find myself to be uncomfortable without the company of another. After all that's when the toxic thoughts come for me. But for the past two days that's almost all it's been...all of the "what ifs" and myself locked in my four-walled bedroom. That is until I'd grown bored with tiring myself with the words in my head and decided to try to entertai